Oy.

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. Life has been crazy and it's about to get even more crazier. A lot of joy, a lot of "not knowing", a lot of change. This next month is going to be crazy. So far we are scheduled to go up to NY four weekends in a row. So excited though for my sister's baby shower! I'm throwing the "friends" one ... it's at the Terra Cotta and it's going to be amazing. So excited. I just hope my sister will be proud and happy with the final outcome! :)

This week is a little nerve wrecking. This is probably my husband's last week of work. The contract his job is under is up on Thursday. And we have no clue what is happening. Most likely come Thursday my husband and his work buddies will walk into work and they'll say "pack up your tools and get out" lol. Hence why I'm leaving work early to meet the crew at the Legion for one last Thirsty Thursday. It's just crazy. We've been down here for what seems like ten years now, and although most of the time I'm not to fond of the place, this is where I found my independence in a way. I found that I can live a couple of hours away from friends and family and not die. I learned who my real friends are and most importantly, I learned how to be married! To me this is our first home together. It's where we got our cat. It's where we had to get to know eachother all over again. I learned so much about friendship while being down here. I learned that no matter what, no matter how hard people try to change me, I'm always going to be an Upstate New Yorker...there just ain't no way have changing that! :) hehe!

So now what? Do we move to Kentucky? Do we move to Georgia? Texas? Seattle, Washington? I can't. I just can't. I may have learned how to live a few hours away from friends and family but any more than 3 hours and I start having a panic attack just thinking about it. And I'm going to be an Aunt...how can I not be there for every huge (or little) milestone? How can I not be able to just drive up there and hold this sweet little angel? Am I supposed to be the "bread winner" for awhile when I'm only making $12.00 an hour? What about health insurance? Are we going to be moving while we're driving every weekend up to NY? When are we going to have the time to pack? Is Spero going to want to keep doing this job or decide to go back to school?

I mean this is crazy. This is worst than when Spero was getting out of the Army ... he had a job within a week. This job. This job that we knew was a year to year deal but holy crap. I was actually hoping that maybe it wouldn't get renewed so we could move on to say oh i don't know "Way Way Way Up-State NY" and now I just don't know and I'm terrified. But I keep a brave face on for Spero because he's never been in this situation. I don't want him to know that I'm terrified because then he'll be terrified and think that I don't have faith in him. But oh I do. I have so much faith in him. I know that we'll be ok. I've told him "ehh we've made it through war we can make it through this..least we'll be together" ... and believe me I mean it..100% mean it...but I'm crapping my pants here. I want to scream, I want to laugh, I want to cry. I'm trying to keep busy by getting everything ready for my sister's baby shower but really there's not that much to do now dammit. lol. I went shopping yesterday to the Hershey Outlets. All by myself. I cried as I left because most likely that was my last time that I could hop in the car and drive 20 minutes to the outlets. I cried as I passed Hershey Park and saw all the rollercoasters and remembering how the first summer down here we were so excited we bought season passes. I'm on the last two pages of a chapter in my life. A chapter where I learned so much about myself, my marriage, my friendships, my family ... a chapter that is one of the most important chapters in my life. And I'm not going to lie ... I'm sad to see it end. I'm sad to have to leave our little home that we made, the awesome pizza joint where we get food every friday, the few people I've met down here, the family of deer that walk through our yard every night. I'm ready to say goodbye, but at the same time, I'm not. I'll admit, I'm scared.